So yeah, my skin problem just a few days ago. Don't ask me what's wrong because I don't know! If it was really because of my tiredness and stress, imagine how high is the level. Just hope I could go home fast and have a visit to the specialist. God bless.

Love Hui ♥

What Am I Actually Fighting For?

Hey guys, I know it has been a super long time since I was here. My life was and is being extremely busy still. But today, there's something I wanna relieve out here.

"If one day, you know you are going to be dead in 24 hours, you will realize that life is more important than studies."

Brother said this to me this morning before I had my test. I am feeling so dead tired every single day recently and my skin problem can't stop attacking me. It is obviously getting more and more worse. I think it's because of my tiredness and stress level. I don't know. But somehow, it is telling me something is going on inside my body.

When I saw what my brother typed, my eyes went teary. I know health is so much more important than anything else. I know I really need a good rest. But still, I know I am still fighting and pushing myself so hard and don't wanna give up just yet. Honestly, I am being this hard on myself just for my own bright future? Or because I don't accept my results to drop down? Or is it just because of the 30% tuition fees discounts? Most probably the answer goes to the last option...

I wanna get the merit award so desperately because I think this is the only thing I can do to lessen my mother's burden. In addition, I know I have the potential to get it as long as I put all my efforts into it. So I keep pushing myself so hard. Brother asked am I happy? Yeah, once I got the good results I will be happy but only TEMPORARILY. Once the new semester starts, everything will be like a cycle again. It's not that my family wanted me to get the award. They just want me to be well. They don't mind even if I don't get it at all. But why am I still being so stubborn?

What am I really fighting for? I don't know. I feel so lost. If I was going to be dead in 24 hours, I guess all I wanna do is just to have a good sleep in this 24 hours. I don't remember when was the last time I had a good rest. Even when I have the time to sleep, I had nightmares that kept stressing me out and in the end, I couldn't sleep well. Like today, only an hour after falling asleep, stressful nightmare woke me up covered in sweat.

I am torturing my body. I am killing myself slowly day by day... I don't know. I feel so sorry for it. I know I should stop holding things too tightly. I should try loosen my hands and set myself free... But how? I just can't get over myself. When will I really learn to love myself more?

一直那么的努力为的不是自己，
而是他人的骄傲与笑容。
那么自己的呢？
我的快乐去了哪里呢？
这是对的吗？人生是我的。
为什么要硬硬把别人的快乐扛在自己的肩膀上，
而严重无视于自己的快乐？

一切的一切，到底是为了什么？

Love Hui ♥