Depression Kicks In

I have been working real hard for my diet plan for about two months already. I eat less and try to do exercises everyday no matter how tired I am. But unfortunately, my weight doesn't decrease at all. Not even 0.5kg. To be honest, I'm not only disappointed but hell so depressing about it.

I don't understand why? I don't even dare to eat until I'm full, I don't even dare to eat outside now. No matter how tired or lazy I am, I force myself to do workout everyday for about 2hours time. Or at least sweat myself up. But why isn't there any changes at all? WHY??

I cried in the bathroom yesterday, hating the ugly big fat me! What's wrong? Where did I do wrongly? I really did work real hard for it. Can someone tell me what happened? I feel like giving up but I can't accept the fat me. I just can't! I need time to calm myself down. I was getting better last night after a chat with a friend. But now, I'm crying while writing this post. Crazy thoughts keep popping out of my mind when I'm very depressed and stressed up about this.

I have now signed up the fitness center membership at JPMC for a month. It costs me $45 (promotion price). Yesterday I was not really in a good condition while running the treadmill as my legs were feeling a bit hurt. Today it was okay only. I ran until one of my toes of both feet bleeding. I felt hurt but I only knew it after I took off my shoes and saw the blood stain on my socks. No matter how hard it is, I keep telling myself not to give up and continue to finish my exercises for the day. Isn't that if you give in your effort, you will achieve what you want? Or am I destined to be fat now? Self-confidence drops to zero like seriously. I don't like to go out now. I feel like people are commenting on my fat appearance when they look at me especially those who didn't see me for a long time. This is really suffering...

Somehow, I know I cannot give up still. From today onwards, I will start going to do the sauna, jacuzzi and steam bath at JPMC. I have tried the sauna and jacuzzi today. For sauna, it's actually kind of torturing. Breathing is seriously not comfortable inside the small room filled with hot steam. But to tell the truth, I was reluctant to go out the room after about 15minutes. I know I will faint if I continue to stay inside for too long so yeah... I actually felt super tired after it and my heart beat was kinda fast which made me felt not that good.

I was sleepy after done bathing. But too bad, my cousin and her friends wanna go for dinner before going back. I don't want to eat of course so I told them I don't want anything except water. But they all kept asking me to eat a little. I kept rejecting them and I actually felt bad because it's not a good manner if someone keeps asking you to eat and you don't listen to it. So in the end, I had some soup but I feel guilty for myself. I envy those who can eat happily without worrying of becoming fat... Sigh.

I give myself another one month time for the new try out. I hope this will really work for me, at least just a little. If not, I think I can really go die already.

Sorry for such a depressing post. You might think I'm seriously crazy or whatsoever but yeah... This is really how I feel inside right now. God bless...

Love Hui ♥