Depression Kicks In

I have been working real hard for my diet plan for about two months already. I eat less and try to do exercises everyday no matter how tired I am. But unfortunately, my weight doesn't decrease at all. Not even 0.5kg. To be honest, I'm not only disappointed but hell so depressing about it.

I don't understand why? I don't even dare to eat until I'm full, I don't even dare to eat outside now. No matter how tired or lazy I am, I force myself to do workout everyday for about 2hours time. Or at least sweat myself up. But why isn't there any changes at all? WHY??

I cried in the bathroom yesterday, hating the ugly big fat me! What's wrong? Where did I do wrongly? I really did work real hard for it. Can someone tell me what happened? I feel like giving up but I can't accept the fat me. I just can't! I need time to calm myself down. I was getting better last night after a chat with a friend. But now, I'm crying while writing this post. Crazy thoughts keep popping out of my mind when I'm very depressed and stressed up about this.

I have now signed up the fitness center membership at JPMC for a month. It costs me $45 (promotion price). Yesterday I was not really in a good condition while running the treadmill as my legs were feeling a bit hurt. Today it was okay only. I ran until one of my toes of both feet bleeding. I felt hurt but I only knew it after I took off my shoes and saw the blood stain on my socks. No matter how hard it is, I keep telling myself not to give up and continue to finish my exercises for the day. Isn't that if you give in your effort, you will achieve what you want? Or am I destined to be fat now? Self-confidence drops to zero like seriously. I don't like to go out now. I feel like people are commenting on my fat appearance when they look at me especially those who didn't see me for a long time. This is really suffering...

Somehow, I know I cannot give up still. From today onwards, I will start going to do the sauna, jacuzzi and steam bath at JPMC. I have tried the sauna and jacuzzi today. For sauna, it's actually kind of torturing. Breathing is seriously not comfortable inside the small room filled with hot steam. But to tell the truth, I was reluctant to go out the room after about 15minutes. I know I will faint if I continue to stay inside for too long so yeah... I actually felt super tired after it and my heart beat was kinda fast which made me felt not that good.

I was sleepy after done bathing. But too bad, my cousin and her friends wanna go for dinner before going back. I don't want to eat of course so I told them I don't want anything except water. But they all kept asking me to eat a little. I kept rejecting them and I actually felt bad because it's not a good manner if someone keeps asking you to eat and you don't listen to it. So in the end, I had some soup but I feel guilty for myself. I envy those who can eat happily without worrying of becoming fat... Sigh.

I give myself another one month time for the new try out. I hope this will really work for me, at least just a little. If not, I think I can really go die already.

Sorry for such a depressing post. You might think I'm seriously crazy or whatsoever but yeah... This is really how I feel inside right now. God bless...

Love Hui ♥

Tiring Sunday

Yesterday I woke up at around 9AM and went to get ready. I rushed to the airport at around 11AM to send Ting off. She was shocked when she saw me. Her expression was funny. HAHA Only teo and I were there. We interrupted her time with her family. We took some photos and talked for a while. We saw Wui Chung who was going to fly to UK too. When she was going to leave, her mum wanted to cry already. Teo and I didn't know what to do or say. We just smiled at her and she left after that. I quickly went to tell Ting about it and she said she saw it and was kinda surprised as her mum wasn't like that when her brother was leaving last time. Aww...

Ting sent me a text, saying she was touched for our coming when she was on the plane already. Another friend leaving... I doubt when will be the next time when I see her again. She told me she will be back next July most probably. But WHAT IF I'm not around anymore that time?

Anyway, after I left the airport, I went to Seri Qlap Mall as our dancers and artist had a show to do at 2PM. The Pepsi Draw Event. Damn a lot of people joining. Most of them were Malay. Kinda boring for me though as nothing much for me to do there. Just sat there and dreaming. LOL But hey, you know what? I was being randomly chosen by the MC to do the lucky draw for 10 name lists. After that I got 2 free big bottles of Pepsi together with a Pepsi recycle bag.

The feeling was weird that time. I was not nervous at all but feeling a bit fun. You'll feel like the luck of the others is on your hand.

The show all ended at around 5PM. Went home and had a short nap. I hope this weekend will arrive fast as I don't wanna wake up so early everyday!! I wanna sleep more. My eyes have been swollen for days and it's damn ugly. Also, I'm so stressed again for being so fat! Urgh! Teo said I'm so so BIG now. I wanna cry so badly. T__T Even though I eat less everyday and do exercises but still, I am not able to get rid of my body fats. I don't know why... Someone tells me why...

Love Hui ♥

Make-Over

Yesterday, one of our artists had a show to do at Rizqun Hotel. I was asked to accompany her to go there and look after her. I was there at 9AM for the sound check but unfortunately, the artist herself was being super late as she had forgotten about it. She only arrived about one and a half hour later... Anyway, that's not the main point of this post. After done doing the sound check, I went to shop around the mall until 12PM and went to faceshop for my appointment.

Firstly, I had my skin analysis for free. The lady told me my internal skin is okay. But external skin considers as oily. The worst part is my nose. Seriously so "EWWW" when I looked at the photos. But overall, my skin is on average. Not very good but not very bad as well.

Next, I had my free make-over. Don't waste it since it's all free. Sister wanna see how they can cover my pimples and so on as well. So yeah...

Big difference? Hmmm... I'm not used to it though. Also, my head is just so round and looks like an egg with my hair tied up. LOL and hey, I have eyebrows after make up. haha Still, I don't think I really like to have such heavy make up always.

That's my make-up artist in the last photo. I'm so tall standing beside her. Anyway, guess that's all about it. Tomorrow there's another show to go for in the afternoon. Tiring.....

Love Hui ♥

Pimples ----> Killers!

Went to Faceshop on Monday because my discount coupons were going to expired soon. Lately, pimples just non-stop popping out from my face especially my forehead even though my period is over. I have no idea why but it kinda troubles me. I can't stop myself from scratching it and in the end, leaving lots of pimple scar on my face! Damn ugly!!!! T__T

I have already applied some cream on it so it's not that obvious in this photo. But still, unhealthy skin... Sigh. So yeah, I went to search for some skin care products to save my face! In the end, I spent about $50 (after discount) on it. It actually costs about $70 without discount.

Hope these products will really cure all my stupid pimples and give me back my healthy skin. If not, then really gg.com. LOL 爱美就是要付出代价的。你懂不懂呀？这代价还真贵啊。xD

Love Hui ♥

My Dream 我的梦想

Recently, I'm reading a book introduced by my boss. He wants me to find out what I really want. Yeah, I really don't know what I want. I faced so many problems when choosing the right path to go. But I guess I have the answer now...

I haven't done reading much of it, not even a chapter yet. But from the first page until where I stop right now, whenever I'm reading it, the only thing that appears in my mind is DANCING!! Yes, dancing dancing dancing!! That's definitely the answer!

My real dream is not being a dentist, not working in a lab with high salary. It's dancing! It's my life, my passion, my love, my everything... But I never thought of making my interest into my career. WHY? Because I think I can't earn a lot from it, especially in Brunei. And it's not an easy path as well. I'm the youngest in the family and I don't have much time to waste actually. I need to earn a lot of money in order to repay my parents when I'm still able to. If you know what I mean... My parents are not very young anymore... This is the main reason that keep pulling me back from stepping into this path.

I am not someone who is well talented in this and that. Dancing is the only thing that I can be proud of myself and what I have enough confidence in. I always aim for the best and wanted to be the best in dancing. I don't really allow myself to have any mistakes or imperfections in my dancing.I still remember how I felt the first time when my teacher told us she was going to teach us dancing. I was so happy and felt unexpected. I was only 9 years old, primary 4, and that's the time when I realized I am gifted by God this talent/ability.

Yeah of course, I am not that good yet but I have always having the urge to improve my skills to the professional level. Wen posted a question on her blog last time: "What can you spend hours doing, losing track of time and place, and still want to do it again and again?" I applied this question to both my Dentistry and Food Science courses but I'm not so sure about the answer. I kept asking myself this question. However, when it comes to dancing, it's definitely a YES! No doubt.

This book asks me dare to dream big and high with a positive mindset. Nothing is impossible. Everything can be possible when your will power is strong enough. I had talked to my boss about it and he told me that it's not entirely hopeless for this path. Never try, never know. Sometimes you have to take risk just for what you want. You'll never get what you want if you never try to ask for it and go for it. What if I am really able to become one of the well known and successful dance instructor or choreographer in the future? Brunei cannot, go to Singapore or Taiwan where there are higher chances for me. Don't be stuck in only one place.

Somehow, I still hesitate a lot as I'm still a negative one. There's so many things to be worried. So I discussed about it with my mum today. Her support is crucial for my every decision. I asked my mum what if I give up my studies and go for dancing? Will she support me? Doesn't she feel I'm wasted as I have studied so much already? Unexpectedly, my mum supports me. She asked me not to think that I'm wasted and so on because if this is really what I truly want, that's not a problem anymore. If I go and pick a science course right now but in the end not going for it as my career, I will be really wasted that time. Also, dancing costs so much lower than any of the Science courses. Mum said it's my dream, my life, so just go for what I really want. Mum knows me well. She knows what is right for me sometimes and that's why she doesn't fully support me to keep on studying anymore because she knows I get stress easily in my studies.

There are still some questions running in my mind though. Will the others look down on me for picking this choice? Will they think I'm useless? Will my dad be disappointed in me? Is this really the right thing to do? I seriously hope I could really go for what I want. I feel sorry for myself if I don't. My friends, I need more supports and opinions. Please tell me what do you think about it.

I know it will be a tough and long journey for me to be successful in this field. But I believe, no matter how hard it is, I can do it. I won't give up so easily. Just because dancing is my dream...
God bless.

Love Hui ♥

The Mooncake festival

I know it's a bit late to post about this festival which was almost a week ago. Just a short one though. My cousin had ordered a few wishing lanterns from Miri (if not mistaken) and we decided to put it on the festival day itself. Unfortunately, due to raining, we postponed it to the next day...

Our (sister, danny and I) lantern was the first attempt. Kinda troublesome and hard to put though especially when there's strong wind and so on. Plus, so many cars that night. We were worried the lantern will fly to the car and so on. LOL Luckily we still managed to put them all flying into the sky successfully. We felt so great!! A lot of people watching it, some even recorded it down. xD

I wished for my studies. But honestly, now I don't know whether I want it to come true or not. Reason? You'll know why after reading my next post. =)

Love Hui ♥

September 09~

So hey, it has been one month since I started to diet now. But unfortunately, I'm still very fat! Oh well, just take it slow and easy. I still have two months to go. At least I am feeling so much better compared to one month ago...

I am trying hard to sweat myself up everyday and now I'm in love of yoga. I bought another yoga book that day when I went to Miri but this one is so much harder. So many mission-impossible-steps.

Is appearance seem to be so important to you? For me, YES! It's not that I wanna attract someone else's attention or what-so-ever but to boost up my self-confidence. Sometimes I really hope I'm rich enough now. A lot of things will be so much easier with money, including diet!!

Anyway, there's someone being raped and murdered in Brunei and body was found yesterday at Lumut beach. Can you believe it? It's Brunei! Gosh. Waiting for more details on tomorrow newspapers. God bless everyone.

Love Hui ♥